This Is How You Do It, IV: Die Hard

OK I can't find the scene that I really want on Youtube. Frustratingly I can't even find a picture of it. So, here's the one I mean, and please forgive the artwork, this was literally the work of two minutes: (In particular, family of Bruce Willis, please do not throw tomatoes at your screen. They will not come through to me. They will only ruin your computer. I have not intentionally slighted your beloved. He is very difficult to draw from that angle, like most people.) Hopefully it is at least evocative enough to get across the scene I have in mind.

The first time I heard that first tortured "Aoowhhh.... Aoowhh" from Hans I thought he must be supposed to be cringing in fear or anger or something and by the time he got that sentence out I about fell on the floor. Hans. I still think it's a little preternatural that he was able to pull a name out that would be on the staff board but at the same time, it's very easy to rationalize everything out of the ordinary Hans does because he's Hans. You're not as smart as Hans. You can't be expected to understand his plans. He probably spent half a day memorizing the names of everyone on staff back when he was writing Takagi's Wikipedia entry.
Enough gibbering. I came late to the whole Die Hard thing. I knew it was a classic action film but I was a little girl when it was at the peak of its popularity and it just never came around to me. I was home alone last year and found it on HBO On Demand, and it just blew me right away.
It's so darn GOOD. Just a perfectly crafted vision of One Strong Heterosexual Man saving the world against all the forces of evil (computers, middle management, bureaucrats, self-assured people, Europeans, corporations, the Media, money, the rules) despite the fact that he's saddled with an Achilles' heel in the form of a defenseless wife, and a problem wife at that (Achilles never had to deal with this crap. Patroclus could take care of himself). In a way, it reminds me of Rocky Horror Picture Show. The outright absurdity and campy quality of the complete incompetence demonstrated by everyone in the movie who's not a McClane or the Dad From Family Matters is just hilarious. "Attention whoever's broadcasting, this channel is for emergencies only.".... "Just like Saigon!" "I was in junior high, dickhead." ... "Looks like we're gonna need some new FBI guys." ... "Oh, I hope that's not a hostage." Rocky Horror does about the same thing with the squareness and uncreativity of the vanilla couple, and the way that the world is just built around this campy queer dude. Die Hard's world is built around John McClane. For now I will hold off on an entire comparison between the two, but I do think it's fair enough to say that where
It's very much born of the eighties... and since I am too it's pretty tailor-made for me. Mrs. McClane can take care of herself in her own way. She's successful, composed, brave, etc., and the fact that she kept her maiden name in the business world gives John time to beat Hans, which is kind of interesting. She never turns into a superperson though--women did not gain Universal Inborn Fighting Skill* until the late 90s--and I really appreciate that too. She holds up under pressure. She does not knee anyone in the balls. She does punch the reporter who exploited her kids. This is someone I can get behind as a character. It also means something to have bloodied-and-bruised John McClane pushing through the hostages towards the end, calling for her by her maiden name. It works a few ways. Yes, it makes sense that he'd use the name that the hostages might know, but Moby Dick isn't about a whale and as a critic I refuse to take "it makes sense" as an answer here.

Good God, Man, how long ago did I say "no more gibbering"? If anyone wants a full-scale breakdown of John McClane calling out "Holly Genero!" at the end of Die Hard, please drop me a line and I'll get right on it. For now, my conclusion of my thoughts of the scene in question.

If I could just have the shot where Hans Gruber looks up and sees John McClane, that would probably be this entire entry. That moment, I felt completely backed into a corner. I wanted Hans to get his due by this point, but at the same time I was trying to think of things he could do to get out of the situation. It was just such bad luck. That's no way for Hans Gruber to go down.

I really enjoy hearing the words "Hans Gruber" in my head.

Anyway, when Hans started talking I was confused at first and then I just couldn't stop gaping and grinning at the television when he broke out the phony American accent. "You slimy git, Hans," I told the television, which, much like your computer screen, was not capable of transmitting that message to 80s Alan Rickman. I was laughing and yelling and quite literally on the edge of my seat, and that's just doing it right.

If you haven't seen Die Hard, none of this has made a lick of sense. If you have, you know that the scene continues at the same level of tension, with the balance of power constantly shifting, and golly almighty it's one of the best things I've ever seen. But just that first look up and that first little strangled American "Owhhhh" gets the award** from me. It's a great moment and must have been pretty fun to see in the script, but Alan Rickman gets all the points** for this one because it comes down to the way his face and voice change in that five second period from where he goes from Badass Gruber to Scared Gruber to Scared Clay.

In conclusion, I actually think that Hans I drew in the last panel is kind of adorable.

Till next time.

*Incidentally--as if this whole entry isn't one long 'incidentally'--the worst offender I've seen recently in the FUIFS category is the SciFi channel's "Alice" miniseries, where Alice was a black belt for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. They open with her running a dojo and just go from there, but it's not like it makes her any more proactive or strong. She brings it up once in awhile-- "Remember, I'm a black belt!"--and if you ever have to do that you are not doing your job as a writer.

** We have a very hazily defined method of awarding credit here at The Glockblob.