Ain't It Cool News
Here's one that I'm half embarrassed to admit I enjoy. If you follow that link and you've never been to the site before, you're going to find yourself immersed in sometimes creative cursing, misspelled but graphic sexual fantasizing, and inane blathering. Perhaps immersed is the wrong word; that implies baptism. This is more like drowning while being shot with stupidity darts*.
In this selection, we see many of AICN's core constituency talking points at play. This is the least dirty few I could find in a row that still gave an accurate reflection of what talkbacks are like. These are some of the least misogynistic comments around, as well -- although I'm sure there's more than meet the eye, I'm one of only a handful of AICN talkbackers that has "come out" as a female.**
That first comment still makes me laugh.
3. 10,000+ post LOST talkback for the Season 3 Finale
Sometimes quantity is more fun than quality. (Warning: your computer will take 5-9 hours to load that page.)
4. DAMN YOU, MICHAEL BAY: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
AICN doesn't really have a creative or intellectual title to uphold, according to the Undersecretary of Understatement. So sometimes, it becomes a free-for-all of free association and bad puns. A weird little web community (I don't mean "online" by web, I mean it actually acts like a spiderweb) stretches from story to story and in-jokes from one TV series talkback group, for example, will be trolled around on others just to get a rise out of people (not a hard task). "DAMN YOU, MICHAEL BAY!" is a catchphrase that found its way onto every story in the site in various forms during the months leading up to the release of Transformers. Also fun are the sequel titles which invariably crop up in all caps in the talkback, usually for Indiana Jones, Rocky, Rambo, or Harry Potter, which all suit themselves well to a constant rambling brainstorm environment. They're not particularly genius (a. to the u. of u.). But because of the absolute lack of snark, occasionally a stupid idea will lead up to a brilliant punchline. Every once in a while, the groundlings hit gold.
5. Occasional star cameos
AICN is about the worst kept secret on the web. Every once in a while their reviewers will even pop up as critic blurbs on commercials. But the advantage of their recent discovery by Hollywood is that every once inawhile, cool crap happens. Sylvester Stallone is the best at this; he went through and answered over a hundred questions from talkbackers, going into detail about behind-the-scenes doings, cracking wise on his own past works, and giving opinionated analyses of how different movies worked or fell apart depending on the people involved. It was pretty dang amazing, in part because he continued to update his question pages throughout the day with updates and clarifications if something came up in the talkback. He set the bar. More amazing, but less satisfying in the long run, was the appearance of a dark, mysterious talkbacker named "Walter B" who went to all sorts of lengths to prove he was Bruce Willis. (His posts are now given the staff's black-box treatment, but originally they looked like all the rest.) Because he was convinced enough to take the chance of seeing some fat nerd's nether regions, some lucky bastard got to video chat with Bruce Willis. The internet is a weird and wonderful place.
*" stuparts"
** "freydis" I really don't comment that often, but it's fun to do so sometimes. I nearly always get a response, which is exciting.***
*** My life right now strongly resembles the world of Garfield Without Garfield. Come to think of it, so does this blog.
Here's one that I'm half embarrassed to admit I enjoy. If you follow that link and you've never been to the site before, you're going to find yourself immersed in sometimes creative cursing, misspelled but graphic sexual fantasizing, and inane blathering. Perhaps immersed is the wrong word; that implies baptism. This is more like drowning while being shot with stupidity darts*.
You might be tempted to believe that Tycho is exaggerating above, as is his wont, but in this case he speaks a simple child's truth. AICN is a wasteland devoid of human dignity and reason, and yet I stop by there many times a day. Why, you ask?
1. They have really cool news and it updates pretty frequently.
Some people might take me to task for this because AICN will frequently "break" a story two or three months after it's common knowledge to people who read Spanish-language sites, scour internet forums, or are actually filming the movie in question as they write their snippy little retorts in the talkbacks. But those people are idiots. (I am here speaking in a diluted form of the traditional dialect of AICN, in order to honor their traditions.) So basically, I can count on there being at least one or two pieces of news, reviews, or fun links going up a day. This is going to be a selling point for a lot of my Haunts: when you live on the Internet all freaking day, you just want something, ANYTHING to happen.
I found AICN because they were often linked to by TORN, my first internet love and the first place I ever followed a movie through production. I had to hide the screen when I would click onto a link to an AICN story (the links were usually shrouded with dire warnings of profanity) because I was using the church's computer, and even clicking onto the site felt like it would attract angry church people. The page loaded incredibly slowly on the old girl, but when the story would finally appear, there would be some new snippet of news... Saruman is on a spike! Saruman is dead! Saruman isn't even going to be in it!... and it was a thrill. Because of the slow loading times, I never encountered the talkbacks until recently, which brings me to point number two:
2. Turns out stupid people are actually pretty funny to watch
Please note that these comments, in addition to being under the umbrella of the Perpetual Disclaimer, are also wrapped in the saran-wrap of the Temporary Pilate-Style Hand-Washing. The following are the first few comments after a news piece about a movie in development about a bicycle messenger:
1. They have really cool news and it updates pretty frequently.
Some people might take me to task for this because AICN will frequently "break" a story two or three months after it's common knowledge to people who read Spanish-language sites, scour internet forums, or are actually filming the movie in question as they write their snippy little retorts in the talkbacks. But those people are idiots. (I am here speaking in a diluted form of the traditional dialect of AICN, in order to honor their traditions.) So basically, I can count on there being at least one or two pieces of news, reviews, or fun links going up a day. This is going to be a selling point for a lot of my Haunts: when you live on the Internet all freaking day, you just want something, ANYTHING to happen.
I found AICN because they were often linked to by TORN, my first internet love and the first place I ever followed a movie through production. I had to hide the screen when I would click onto a link to an AICN story (the links were usually shrouded with dire warnings of profanity) because I was using the church's computer, and even clicking onto the site felt like it would attract angry church people. The page loaded incredibly slowly on the old girl, but when the story would finally appear, there would be some new snippet of news... Saruman is on a spike! Saruman is dead! Saruman isn't even going to be in it!... and it was a thrill. Because of the slow loading times, I never encountered the talkbacks until recently, which brings me to point number two:
2. Turns out stupid people are actually pretty funny to watch
Please note that these comments, in addition to being under the umbrella of the Perpetual Disclaimer, are also wrapped in the saran-wrap of the Temporary Pilate-Style Hand-Washing. The following are the first few comments after a news piece about a movie in development about a bicycle messenger:
So, this is basically like every other movie
by YackBackerMar 24th, 2008
09:31:29 AMLame! Bicycles are cool.
by FlickaPooMar 24th, 2008
09:39:17 AM...no seriously...I dig bikes. It's familiar but original...
by Jackson HealyMar 24th, 2008
09:44:58 AM...which is exactly what Hollywood is looking for. Sounds incredibly stupid!
by captboulderMar 24th, 2008
09:49:19 AMBike messenger evading authorities?! C'mon just ream his ass off the street and the movie over in 5 mins!!! He He!!
by EARTHMar 24th, 2008
09:53:03 AMOld trailers are so gay! what about american flyers?
by HOUSTON500Mar 24th, 2008
09:58:06 AMstarring kevin costner and rae dog chong? that was about bikes and the men who rode them. the six degrees of kevin bacon...
by HOUSTON500Mar 24th, 2008
10:00:10 AMnot only applies to actors but also to specialised hobbies in movies? he was a dancer in footloose, a handyman in tremors, a cyclist in quicksilver and a kiddie fiddler in the woodsman. what other jobs can be linked to the great kevin bacon in film? I 2nd that. Isn't it amazing that an ORIGINAL film idea sounds e
by fisheaterMar 24th, 2008
10:00:22 AMOnly its got bike shorts for the ladies
That first comment still makes me laugh.
3. 10,000+ post LOST talkback for the Season 3 Finale
Sometimes quantity is more fun than quality. (Warning: your computer will take 5-9 hours to load that page.)
4. DAMN YOU, MICHAEL BAY: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
AICN doesn't really have a creative or intellectual title to uphold, according to the Undersecretary of Understatement. So sometimes, it becomes a free-for-all of free association and bad puns. A weird little web community (I don't mean "online" by web, I mean it actually acts like a spiderweb) stretches from story to story and in-jokes from one TV series talkback group, for example, will be trolled around on others just to get a rise out of people (not a hard task). "DAMN YOU, MICHAEL BAY!" is a catchphrase that found its way onto every story in the site in various forms during the months leading up to the release of Transformers. Also fun are the sequel titles which invariably crop up in all caps in the talkback, usually for Indiana Jones, Rocky, Rambo, or Harry Potter, which all suit themselves well to a constant rambling brainstorm environment. They're not particularly genius (a. to the u. of u.). But because of the absolute lack of snark, occasionally a stupid idea will lead up to a brilliant punchline. Every once in a while, the groundlings hit gold.
5. Occasional star cameos
AICN is about the worst kept secret on the web. Every once in a while their reviewers will even pop up as critic blurbs on commercials. But the advantage of their recent discovery by Hollywood is that every once inawhile, cool crap happens. Sylvester Stallone is the best at this; he went through and answered over a hundred questions from talkbackers, going into detail about behind-the-scenes doings, cracking wise on his own past works, and giving opinionated analyses of how different movies worked or fell apart depending on the people involved. It was pretty dang amazing, in part because he continued to update his question pages throughout the day with updates and clarifications if something came up in the talkback. He set the bar. More amazing, but less satisfying in the long run, was the appearance of a dark, mysterious talkbacker named "Walter B" who went to all sorts of lengths to prove he was Bruce Willis. (His posts are now given the staff's black-box treatment, but originally they looked like all the rest.) Because he was convinced enough to take the chance of seeing some fat nerd's nether regions, some lucky bastard got to video chat with Bruce Willis. The internet is a weird and wonderful place.
*" stuparts"
** "freydis" I really don't comment that often, but it's fun to do so sometimes. I nearly always get a response, which is exciting.***
*** My life right now strongly resembles the world of Garfield Without Garfield. Come to think of it, so does this blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment